What Determines My Worth?

 
Hey!
I first want to thank you for reading this blog and special thank you to all of you who have encouraged me by telling me how much you appreciate my transparency and my ability to encourage and relate to you! We're all in this together, so remember that you are never alone.

Transparency Time
This year, I had the opportunity to spend lots of time with a particular man that I really grew to like and admire. In fact, we spent a few months of time getting to know one another with the purpose of possibly exploring something more. After that time, I believe the Lord led us to a season of separation. It is that season that triggered the focus of this blog.
Now, this season didn't come about because someone did something wrong or because it was an obvious mismatch because neither of those were the case. Things were very well and both parties felt they saw what they were looking for in the other person. Such a situation is quite tough, especially for a woman like me who likes definite answers, explanations and closure where needed. I got none of that but I knew in my heart that everything was happening the way that it should.
During this time, I felt like I had nothing but my relationship with Jesus, and for some reason, in that moment, it didn't feel like enough. *gasps* Yes, at that moment, it just didn't FEEL like it was cutting it. Nonetheless, I prayed my heart out everyday regarding the situation and asked the Lord to deal with my heart and help me get control of my emotions and feelings. From my perspective, as far as I was concerned, things were gradually coming to an end with a man who I believed had a lot of potential to be found in my future. I asked God to remove anything in me that was not like Him and to mold me into who He wanted me to be. Even though I FELT like I had nothing but God, I knew God was all I really needed to get through that emotional struggle. It was during those mornings, days and nights of prayer and constant chatting with God that He brought to my attention the topic of self -worth.

Self What??
Initially, I thought, self what?! Self-worth is not a topic that applies to me because I am a confident woman. I've got a healthy self-image and I know that I am valuable because God says I am. Lord, what does self-worth have to do with me??
I looked up the definition of self-worth and dictionary.com defines it this way: the sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect. Now, I knew my self-esteem and self-respect were great but there was a bit of hesitation when it came to the first part of that definition. I wanted to immediately say that my sense of my own value and worth were great, after all, I'm pretty amazing if I might say so myself. ;-) Yet, if that was the case, then why did I feel like I had nothing just because a man and I decided to give each other some space? Why did I feel like I lost something? Why did I feel unhappy? Could it be that somehow I'd began to feel more valuable because I had him in my life?  When people asked if I was dating anyone, why did I hesitate before attempting to hide the shame in my eyes as a tiny "no" escaped from my lips? Could it be that somehow, I'd allowed the world to push it's standards off on me and I hadn't even realized it? Honestly, I think it had. Much of my life I'd been programmed by society to believe that I'm most valuable as a woman if I have man. Has anyone else ever felt that way? People ask me why I am so great and attractive and still so single, as if being single is a curse and detracts from my value. The older you get, the more you're expected to have a significant other and if you don't, you're made to feel like you should.
Somehow, along the way I was trained to believe that I have more value and I am worth much more if I have a boyfriend or husband. However, this is not true and that is what the Lord was trying to show me.

The Affect of Her Man
During this same season, I noticed myself being affected by another young woman's man. Not in the sense that I was attracted to him but in the sense that I was constantly reminded of the one thing that I didn't have. I made sure that I looked amazing each day I saw them and ensured my confidence stayed on fleek to overcompensate for the one thing I lacked...a man. She had a man, I didn't and it bothered me. It wasn't about the couple but it was about the fact that seeing them was constant stab at my self worth, as I could clearly hear the lies of the enemy that said, "She's more special, more important, more valuable than you because she has a doting boyfriend and you don't. You're less valuable because you're still single." God continued to deal with my heart during this time. One great thing about God is when you yield your heart to Him and ask Him to purge it, He will do it.

Increasing My Value
Finally, I saw what the Lord was showing me about self-worth. So the questions was, how do I improve it? How do I change it? Of course, I prayed and dedicated a period of time of complete singleness to allow God to remodel me and purge my heart. During this time, I committed to allowing God to help me make enhancements spiritually, emotionally and physically. I began to seek more intimacy with God and I even asked Him to help me see Him at work in my life each day. The small things that He does for me make me feel special and reminds me of how much God loves me and cares about me.
I began meditating on scriptures that remind me of my worth & the way God views me. Psalm 139 in the NLT is my favorite, particularly verses 14-18:
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.
17 How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God.
    They cannot be numbered!
18 I can’t even count them;
    they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
    you are still with me!
Finally, I began doing natural things that cause me feel valuable. For me, it was sharing the love of God and leading people to Jesus, taking up a hobby in music, starting a business, encouraging my friends in their personal lives & in the faith, and of course, simply doing things I enjoy & treating myself. For you, it may be volunteering at a homeless shelter, going on a missions trip or running a marathon for a good cause. However, these things have caused me to feel liberated from society's view that singleness is a worthless, boring season, in addition to giving me variety and enjoyment in life opposed to a mundane routine or schedule. It also allows me to meet new people and enjoy various forms of fellowship.
I thank God for using different situations to show me myself and then loving me enough to fix me. I thank Him also for the boldness to share my life with you and I pray you can relate & find this information useful and even share this with others.

Love,
Ris